Evil Villain Takes Over James Bond

An extremely mischievous and deviously evil villain has taken over James Bond and sort of left the British Intelligence agency in a spot of bother.

The criminal mastermind with aspirations of world domination, who is the arch-enemy of British MI6 agent James Bond, has vowed to take all semblance of Britishness out of MI6 and poor old Bond himself and Americanize everything.

Birthed out of a burlap bag somewhere in Albuquerque in 1964, James Bond villain Bezos is head of a global criminal organisation called Amazon and is commonly referred to by the codename Number 1 within this organisation.

The ultimate James Bond villain of villains, Bezos holds some nasty plans for global domination, involving saturating the globe with cheap Chinese made trinkets that break after a week of use.

One could postulate that the Americans have already bastardized the franchise with Jason Bourne, a version of Bond on steroids, but are not happy with just that, now they want one of the last things the Brits actually own — James Bond.

As for Agent Brad Bond, codename 007-Eleven, he surfs more than he spies, calls every villain “dude,” and replaces the classic martini with a Big Gulp. His catchphrase will no doubt be, “Yo, shaken or stirred—whatever, bruh.”

His gadgets include a vape that doubles as a laser, flip-flops with built-in X-ray vision, and a self-parking monster truck, all acquired from Amazon Prime.

The CIA keeps trying to brief him, but he’s always “catching some sick waves, bruh.”

Mission reports? “Yeah, so like, the bad guy was all ‘I’m taking over the world,’ and I was like ‘nah, man,’ so I, y’know, handled it. Anyway, who’s up for tacos?”

Naturally, the American Bond will be as subtle as a brick, forget about sneaking into the lair of the bad guy like the British Bond, this guy will simply kick the front door down and shoot everything in sight including pets, staff, Mexican gardeners, visiting relatives and girl scouts selling cookies.

Fuck caviar and foie gras, a sloppy grease laden double bacon cheeseburger with extra fries and a huge tub of coke will suffice.

Debonair charm? Nah, the American Bond will straightaway grab women by the pussy, and drop his drawers ready for action. Fuck you, I’m American Bond, I own all y’all!

Coming to a streaming service directly into your already frazzled brain faster than another Donald Trump executive order.