Max Clifford Announces Jade Goody Funeral Extravaganza

PR Guru and suppurating anus, Max Clifford has revealed for the first time the intricate details of the state funeral that will be conducted for Jade Goody.

“Even Margaret Thatcher will not get the same treatment that Jade is going to get. The nation will observe a full day’s mourning and there will be a public holiday announced. After the pay-per-view funeral (ker-ching), there will be a horse drawn carriage pulling the open top coffin along from Jade’s home in Upshire, Essex to the Big Brother house which will be her final resting place and Endemol sponsored shrine. She will thus be buried under the building, possibly in the diary room in a glass coffin so successive celebrity Big Brother housemates can see the legend themselves. Jade is a legend I tell you. My yellow Lamborghini Murciélago LP 640 will attest to her greatness and astounding earning power.”

The funeral procession is expected to attract over 13 million people following the beloved celebrity star.

Because of the funeral procession and the number of people said to be attending, Burberry stores all over the UK have already sold out of caps and scarves.

“But you have to admit, it’s been a great month. Kerry Katona bankrupt, Jade Goody cancer…..mind if I have a good think about my last one Mr Genie, I’d hate to waste it,” Ernie Tarbuck, a librarian from North London told ITV1 news.

According to Downing Street, the Jade Goody procession will commence after a 49 gun salute commemorating each corporate sponsor that will be involved in the parade.

Dignitaries from the government will be present including the prime minister himself. There is even talk of Royal attendance, however the Beckhams may not be able to get to the UK from Los Angeles in time.