Alex Salmond: A Message From Glasgow

We conducted the interview in Alex Salmond’s home town of Glasgow in his council flat which he shares with his pet budgie Angus and a few heroin addicts on the estate.

DS: So how are things after the disastrous referendum vote which many see as Scotland having being robbed of freedom?

Salmond: I’ll always be defiant to the end, it’s not over even if the fucking cat purrs, and don’t count us out yet, we Scots have a wee bit more fight in us.

DS: Since your resignation as SNP leader, how have you been spending your time?

Salmond: You ever heard of Special Brew? Well, I’ve been downing a lot of that, also whisky, crack cocaine and a wee bit heroin just to calm my nerves. I have a lot of time on my hands now, I go down the benefits office and get my giro, by mid afternoon spent the lot. It’s not easy. This is how 90% of us Scots live our short lives.

DS: What do you think of Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling?

Salmond: I can’t say the words here, but I don’t think they’re Scottish. In the old days they would’ve been strung up on a tree and dealt with the way way we deal with traitors.

DS: Do you feel let down by big business?

Salmond: It’s called blackmail where I come from, they threatened people, so they voted no. If you scare people enough they’ll do anything.

DS: Do you think it was right for the Queen of England to intervene during the referendum?

Salmond: Put it plainly, no is the answer to that. It was a very well placed sentence, she wanted people to think carefully. Now I’m a politician and I know if people think that can be dangerous for them. Well, there it was, the answer was no independence for Scotland.

DS: Yes, but to be honest you didn’t have much of a detailed plan for the Scottish economy did you?

Salmond: Excuse me (Salmond takes a swig from a can and burps loudly). Plans are for sissies, we were about getting our freedom, where there’s a will there’s a way, we would have been like the next tax haven or something, you know like Switzerland.

DS: Do you think there will be another chance for Scotland to gain its freedom?

Salmond: No. That’s it for Scotland. We’re a beaten people now, because we’re not Scotland any more. Same thing happened in Northern Ireland. Once you let them in, that’s it. Now fuck off, I’ve got a date with some meth.

The interview ended abruptly when our reporter was kicked out of Salmond’s dingy flat.