Communiqué From Comrade Starmer in his Bunker

COMRADES OF THE PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF SOVIET BRITAIN, COMMISSARS, BOLSHEVIKS, TRAIN DRIVERS, APPARATCHIKS OF THE BIG STATE, COUNCIL WORKERS, UNION WORKERS, NHS WORKERS, HIGH PARTY COMRADES, STASI OFFICERS, AND ORDINARY WORKING PROLE SCUM.

I WRITE TO YOU FROM A BUNKER AT AN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION. I AM SAFE HERE ALTHOUGH MY BANYA IS COLDER THAN USUAL AND THERE IS ONLY ONE KARL MARX BOOK HERE.

COMRADES, THE PRSB IS IN SEVERE DANGER, AND I URGE YOU ALL TO BE VIGILANT IN THESE TRYING TIMES. MY SENIOR STASI MANIPULATOR, COMMISSAR MCSWEENEY, HAS ABANDONED ME. MY SENIOR STASI COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER HAS ABANDONED ME. THEY WILL BE LIQUIDATED LATER; I WILL SEE TO THAT!

I HAVE BEEN FORCED TO GROUND BECAUSE OF TREACHERY AND TREASON IN THE RANKS, NAMELY FROM THE LIKES OF COMMISSAR MANDY, COMMISSAR RAYNER, COMMISSAR BURNHAM AND COMMISSAR STREETING, ALONG WITH OTHER TREASONOUS DOGS.

THESE PARTISAN ELEMENTS OF THE ENEMY SHALL BE PURGED AND ROOTED OUT OF OUR GREAT SOVIET NATION, AND I SHALL RULE YOU FOR A VERY LONG TIME — SO PLEASE DO NOT WORRY; MY MISSION IS NOT COMPLETE.

END OF COMMUNICATION