America’s Most Dangerous Toddlers and Their Gloks

Incidents in which children aged one to three have discharged unsecured firearms since 2015 are rising at an exponential rate according to the stats. Officials stress the toddlers themselves are not ideologically motivated, though several are known to operate under the influence of nap deprivation and unregulated access to kitchen drawers.

Terrible Twos

Texas, Florida and parts of the Midwest emerge as hotspots, with analysts attributing the spike to a potent mix of unsecured weapons, open-plan living, and the uniquely American belief that a Glock is an acceptable substitute for a baby monitor.

“These are not hardened criminals,” said one unnamed official. “They are sticky, confused, and emotionally volatile, but the threat profile is real.”

Parents remain defiant. “My son is a good kid,” said one father who had his left testicle shot off, he explained that the firearm involved had been left on a coffee table “for protection”. The toddler in question declined to comment, citing a pressing need to eat a crayon.

Think tanks are divided on solutions. Some propose toddler buy-back schemes, exchanging firearms for plush toys. Others argue for responsible storage, though this has been criticised as “anti-freedom” by groups who believe constitutional rights begin at birth, possibly earlier.

The White House has urged calm, reminding citizens that statistically toddlers remain more likely to shoot themselves than others, a reassurance widely regarded as missing the point.

At press time, several suspects were reportedly neutralised by Goldfish crackers and an episode of Peppa Pig.