“Comrades! We need to talk about that small thing called – conscription!”

As your Supreme Comrade in Chief, I, Kier Starmer, need to take your sons and daughters and put them on the battlefield. Yes, we must bring back compulsory conscription for the military forces of the People’s Republic of Soviet Britain. As you already know, the Big State Labour Party is transitioning the PRSB from socialism to communism. We are following the path of Lenin who said: “The goal of socialism is communism” and he was right about that. This is a delicate task because our party is under threat from an archaic and defunct concept of democracy, and elections. To circumnavigate this issue, and the threat of the brigand Nigel Farage, it is necessary to start an overt war with Russia. At least this way, comrades, there will be no further elections for the foreseeable future, and by then (if this country still exists) the country will have integrated into full communism. It will be good news for me and the Big State Labour machine, and not so good news for your families, as I will send your kids into the battlefields of Ukraine with little or no equipment. The army needs another 29 billion soviet pounds, but that money is earmarked for Big State civil service pensions, salaries, welfare recipients, illegal and legal migrants, train drivers salaries, fat cat council bosses, the NHS black hole, union staff, and my various dachas across the globe.

Thank you for your understanding in this urgent matter, and enjoy your kids whilst you still have them. Of course, no sons and daughters of Labour commissars will be ordered to fight in the muddy fields, but we sincerely thank you for your sacrifice. Have a nice fucking day.