Trump Declares War on ANTIFA, Accidentally Bombs Vegan Café

In another rambling 3 a.m. press conference, President Donald Trump officially designated ANTIFA a terrorist organisation, describing it as “worse than ISIS, more dangerous than TikTok, and definitely funded by George Soros who, by the way, is probably writing the cheques from a James Bond villain-esque volcano somewhere in Hungary.”

According to FBI files, ANTIFA’s shadowy network is “run out of the basement of the Democrat Party headquarters,” with Nancy Pelosi allegedly acting as “their Che Guevara, except with worse hair and saggy tits.”

When pressed for evidence, Trump waved a crumpled Whole Foods receipt he claimed was “a reimbursement form straight from a Soros shell company.”

On Tuesday, the FBI’s first major counter-ANTIFA operation targeted a vegan café in Portland. Agents seized soy milk, gluten-free cakes, three Che Guevara mugs, and an anarchist zine entitled How to Compost Fascism. Four patrons were briefly detained for “suspicious latte art.”

Trump praised the raid as “a bigger victory than killing bin Laden,” while congratulating himself on personally identifying the café as “ANTIFA HQ” after spotting a Bernie Sanders sticker on the bathroom door.

Funding trails, officials say, are “clear as day.” One Pentagon briefing slide, now leaked online, connects Soros, ANTIFA, Obama, the Clintons, and a bag of kale through a series of red string diagrams resembling a toddler’s art project.

Meanwhile, the White House launched an anonymous hotline for reporting suspected ANTIFA members. Within hours, over 700,000 calls flooded in, most claiming to have spotted “ANTIFA caravans” at Trader Joe’s or “Soros-funded operatives” buying almond butter.

Despite the chaos, Trump remains adamant: “ANTIFA is everywhere! It’s at Starbucks, in your yoga class, even in the Democrat primaries. They’re invisible, they’re invincible, and they’re paid in cash by Soros. But don’t worry, we’ve got them surrounded — everywhere, except where they really are.”