Communist Gary Lineker to Go and Live in North Korea

Former BBC football pundit Gary Lineker is going to go and live in North Korea after leaving his well-paid job on the telly in disgrace.

“I’m a communist through and through, as you may have all noticed. Although Britain under Labour is resembling a gulag under communism, I feel it is not communist enough. I still see people who are conservatives or libertarians around, when in a truly communist state those people would be publicly hanged or shot by firing squads.

“North Korea for me is where I will truly feel at home. I have spoken already to a few of the comrades there, and they assure me that their football team who were executed last week will be replenished by the time I get there.

“Although I will have all my millions confiscated when I arrive, they will give me a one-room flat in Pyongyang for free. I’ve seen a photo of it. There is a soiled mattress on the floor and a fresh bowl of tree bark in boiling water waiting for me there. Lovely.”