Millions of Britons Need Counselling and Therapy Caused by Rachel Reeves

Gerald Pettycrewe, 43, from Chepstow, used to own a flourishing business employing over 1,000 staff, and lived in a large home with his family, driving a top-of-the-range Jaguar. Today, he crawls on the floor in a dark, dank council home, yelping like a wounded Sumatran ant eater.

What happened here? Well, at first he thought he could handle the taxes, but eventually the bills started piling up. High interest rates and inflation brought on by the lunatic Chancellor’s punitive and irresponsible policies caused his mortgage costs to skyrocket. The councils started raising council tax. National Insurance costs caused him to fire all his staff. He had a healthy load of savings in an ISA, but 95% of that was taxed and removed from his account. Car tax increases, Net Zero charges and fuel duty hikes left him without a car. The list goes on …

Now, whenever he hears the robotic voice of Rachel Reeves, he screams in pain, crawls on the floor, and attacks anyone within three feet. If he sees a picture of Reeves, he starts to hop around, throwing random objects through windows or at other people. Just the mention of her name, “Rachel Reeves” will cause him to projectile vomit and defecate involuntarily wherever he is at the time.

Psychiatrists and therapists affiliated with the Royal London University of Lobotomification have warned the government that the condition of many Britons is so serious that it could cause a literal mental illness explosion across the entire country at any moment.

Jane Spindelfrickle, 29, from West Pupplefrock, used to own a flourishing business selling cakes to her local community and surrounding area. Now she lives in a ditch, only communicating by a series of screams reaching a crescendo with an earsplitting prolonged E7 note. Therapists tried to help her, but she sadly turned after losing everything due to the policies of Rachel Reeves. Now, whenever she hears the Chancellor of the Exchequer’s voice, she opens her eyes wide and screams the word “cake” constantly for six hours at a high decibel level. If someone shows a picture of Reeves to her, or she sees her on the TV, Spindelfrickle removes all her clothes immediately, and crawls backwards on the floor whilst uttering a blood-curdling scream.

One therapist who tried to treat her at a specialist facility was unceremoniously thrown out of the sixth floor window by Spindelfrickle after telling her that the Rachel Reeves budget in parliament was to be broadcast in five minutes, and she would switch the television on.

Kirby Tinkerfarquer, 41, from Framlingshire, is also another permanently damaged mentally injured specimen who is severely affected by any form of mention or visual representation of Rachel Reeves. He is triggered by Rachel Reeves to such an extent that he has since been sectioned and interned in a special facility due to being a danger to himself and the general public. His reaction to Rachel Reeves is severe and violent. To put it lightly, he headbutts anything or anyone in the vicinity if he hears the Chancellor’s name or sees an image of her. On December 9th, 2024, he was on a train to Kinningstrowchester, from Bawbagshire, when a man opposite him unfurled a newspaper. The front page had a photo of Rachel Reeves on it with the headline, Tax Increases of 85% Proposed by Reeves Again. Tinkerfarquer headbutted the man so hard, he literally decapitated him. He then proceeded to walk through each carriage, headbutting objects and people.

Psychiatrists studying the ‘Rachel Reeves’ phenomenon have not come up with any solution as yet to successfully treat the patients they receive.

“It’s not just that we can’t treat these people, we don’t have the funding because Rachel Reeves cut our budget. Many staff members have been sacked. We, we just can’t go on like this any more. Aaargh! I’m feeling an attack coming on myself. I can’t take it any more. Eeargh!”