SCUNTHORPE - England - Supreme Comrade Starmer has announced plans to send our brave wokified troops to poke the Russian bear a little more than usual.
Comrades of the People’s Republic of Soviet Britain, rejoice! The time has come for our heroic young men to take up arms, don their finest surplus helmets, and march eastward into the grand meat grinder of history! Our wise and infallible leader, Comrade Keir Starmer, has announced Operation Poke Putin—a magnificent mission that will send your sons, brothers, and neighbours into the meat grinder trenches of Ukraine, all in the noble pursuit of soviet glory (and, perhaps, a slight provocation that might see Mother Britain turned into a glowing irradiated crater).
Yes, dear comrades, Soviet Britain shall now take its rightful place at the front line of the perpetual war machine, offering up its dwindling underfunded and ill-equipped forces to ensure that the mighty Russian bear is sufficiently enraged.
Do not worry, each regiment of brave soviet British cannon fodder will be provided with one outdated broken gun to share, and four bullets. With America pulling back under the weak-willed capitalist dog Donald Trump, it falls upon the EU’s true visionary, Comrade Starmer, to lead the charge!
Comrade Starmer will not be sending his kids to Ukraine, but it’s okay, your kids will receive the full honour and privilege of filling the trenches.
And what better way to secure the peace by poking the bear as well as placing thousands of untested British Generation Z conscripts right next to the Russian military? A brilliant strategy, one that even the ghosts of Napoleon and Hitler would surely admire!
But this is no time for hesitation, comrades! The recruitment stations stand ready! Our proud Woke British military, already reduced to fewer men than a Victorian Boy Scout troop, must rise to the challenge! Who needs an army when we have sheer enthusiasm and unwavering woke communist ideological purity? Transgender and LGBTQP+ are all welcome, as well as our BLM brothers.
Do not be discouraged by the whispers of doubt. Pay no heed to the weaklings who claim that provoking a nuclear-armed superpower might not be in the best interests of the British proletariat! Do not listen to the cowardly voices that say:
“Perhaps a hot war with Russia is not advisable.”
“Maybe we should focus on rebuilding our own country instead of sending our soldiers into an unwinnable conflict.”
“Why is Comrade Starmer so keen to offer up our troops when we barely have enough to defend the island itself?”
These are the musings of defeatists, reactionaries, and—dare we say—potential enemies of the Big State!
Comrade Macron of the Glorious Soviet EU has sounded the horn of battle! The mighty European war machine—consisting of several dozen battle-ready spreadsheets—stands prepared to do what the Americans will not. And Soviet Britain shall lead the suicidal charge! Our French EU brothers are not cheese eating surrender monkeys like they were in previous wars, no, they are probably a lot worse this time around, fat and lazy too.
What a glorious sight it will be when Soviet Britain’s proud, underfunded, ill-equipped, woke forces march boldly into the heart of Ukraine, standing shoulder to shoulder with the brave EU Soviet peacekeepers—perhaps even in view of the Russian artillery and killer drones! And if our noble sacrifice should incite an overwhelming response, let it be known: we shall take the nuclear fire with pride!
So come, young men of Soviet Britain! Sign up today! Your great leader, Comrade Starmer, has already written your fate on the pages of history. And if the price of glorious self-assured destruction is your bones ground into Ukrainian mud, then so be it!
Long live Soviet Britain! Long live Operation Poke Putin! May Your sacrifice be remembered (for however long remains before the missiles arrive and everything is completely erased)!
INGSOC NOTICE 3111652-299187677818223-3223-223-2-32-2-1-10
JONTY TWIPPERWIST, 15, FROM GRINGERWALLOP, EAST KILBRIDE, SCOTLAND FORCIBLY ENLISTED IN THE PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF SOVIET BRITAIN’S ARMY YESTERDAY AND WAS AWARDED AN EXTRA CHOCOLATE RATION INCREASE OF 0.005 GRAMS PER MONTH AS WELL AS TWO ROTTEN TURNIPS FORCIBLY APPROPRIATED FROM A KULAK LANDED GENTRY SCUM FARMER. IN OTHER NEWS, MARY DWINDERNUN, 7, OF PERSHWINFRISHIRE, DUDDINGTON, WAS AWARDED AN EXTRA 1.3 GRAMS OF BUTTER PER YEAR FOR REPORTING HER MOTHER, FATHER, FOUR SISTERS, UNCLE, P.E. TEACHER AND DOG TO STASI SOCIAL MEDIA AGENTS FOR THOUGHTCRIMES AGAINST THE BIG STATE AND WOKE IDEOLOGICAL SUBVERSION DIVISION OF SOVIET BRITAIN.
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