Comrade Starmer Relaunching Soviet Labour With Even More Communism

Comrade Starmer today announced that the Soviet Labour Party is to relaunch its communist policies with even more communist policies that will ruin Britain further and aid its enemies.

INGSOC People’s Republic of Soviet Britain

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[annoying robotic nasal tone] “Comrades, Bolsheviks, eco warriors, train drivers, civil servants, union bosses, council bosses, NHS managers, I hope the vast pay rises the Labour Party gave you has sealed your allegiance to our communist manifesto? Together, we have much work to do.

“I am announcing the relaunch of the Labour communist manifesto and policies today with more soviet committees, meetings, consultations, discussions on how more communism is a double plus good thing. As you may have noticed, my poll ratings are riding high at -67% approval. This is a high for me, and I wish to capitalise on this increase in popularity by bringing in more communism and Marxism. In fact, I just heard from a sewer worker that my popularity rating is only 2% below that of a flushed turd. Isn’t that great? It is certainly something to be proud of, don’t you think?

“As well as causing a 90 billion pound loss to the economy, along with the destruction of farmers, increased unemployment, increased immigration, increased inflation and the evisceration of private sector businesses, my communist policies are still in their infancy. You see dear comrades, it is going to get a lot worse, like, really fucking bad. I’m going to introduce even more communism and insane Marxist policies that will really fuck Britain up real good. [chuckles like a deranged hyena]

“Ever been to the British Museum? Well you better go and see the exhibits sharpish because I’ve ordered everything to be returned to the Third World where all the artefacts will be left to rot, vandalised or sold off to private collectors. Say goodbye to the Elgin Marbles, because they’ll soon be adorned with graffiti or in fucking pieces in some neglected, underfunded room somewhere that is not the British Museum.

“You think the first 150 days of my reign of stupidity has been bad, wait till you see the next 150 fucking days. More communism, communist eco Marxist insanity, more surrender of British imperialist stolen stuff, and more taxes to invigorate the diamond encrusted pensions of all Big State civil servants on huge salaries. Oh, and don’t forget the Chagos Islands along with the Falklands and Gibraltar. We’re going to give all those away as well.”

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CHOCO RATIONS FOR PROLES WILL BE REDUCED BY A FURTHER 16 GRAMS PER ANNUM. REPORTING OF PROLES WHO INSULT THE STATE WILL BE REWARDED WITH AN INCREASE IN SUGAR RATIONS OF 12 GRAMS AND FOUR TEABAGS. CHILDREN WHO REPORT THEIR PARENTS, SIBLINGS, FRIENDS OR TEACHERS TO STASI OFFICERS FOR THOUGHTCRIMES COMMITTED ON SOCIAL MEDIA, SCHOOL OR AT HOME WILL BE REWARDED WITH AN EXCLUSIVE LABOUR PARTY BADGE AND GIVEN ONE AND A HALF LOLLIPOPS.