PAY RISE: Train Drivers to Receive 80k Thanks to Labour Unions

Mentioning a soviet Marxist union in the same breath as the Labour Party is the thing to do, especially as Britain’s train drivers are to be awarded another massive pay rise. Buying a train ticket in Britain is a very expensive experience, even if you want to travel for a short journey. One can only pity the poor bastards who have to commute to their work every day and spend the majority of their salary to do so.

Being a train driver is an idyllic and very well-paid job, where you get paid vast sums of money to simply sit in a train for a few hours a day and enjoy the views of the country as it whizzes by. Not only does one receive a pretty decent salary, but there are free travel perks for you and your family, and a gold plaited pension plan. With flexible working hours, and long holidays whenever you wish, life is good for a train driver on an automated train that does practically everything for you anyway.

“I am worth 80k plus all the benefits because when I sit on the train driver’s chair sometimes I can get cramp in my leg during the journey. I move my leg a bit, and it’s OK then, although sometimes the pins and needles I get can be slightly annoying. After a day’s work, I abscond to my luxury home and drive my Ferrari to my local shop to buy some champagne and caviar. This year I will be holidaying in Tuscany at my villa, where I will be waited on by my personal staff. I’m not married, so I can order up an assortment of escorts each night which gives me some respite from the monotony of my job of sitting in my driver’s train and flicking through my phone all day,” a train driver from Chelmsford and ASLEF Union member revealed after the pay rise announcement.