Britain’s Police: “Criminals Have Never Had it So Good”

Criminals in Britain have never had it so good. Half of Britain’s police forces do not investigate crimes and Home Office figures show that just one in 18 offences reported to police led to a suspect being charged in the year to this June, compared with one in six resulting in a charge a decade ago.

Crime pays these days

“People are choosing crime as a profession these days because the coppers have switched off. I been doing this game for forty years and never seen it so good. Bank robbery, burglary, drugs, racketeering, bribery, kidnap, loan sharking, betting scams, it’s all hunky fuckin’ dorey kushti,” a seasoned criminal revealed from his Essex mansion.

Another criminal from Whitechapel, East London, had nothing but praise for the police.

“I was up the apples and pears when I heard a bottle and stopper comin’. In me hand was a load of bees and honey, he must have heard a box of toys, well, I knew I was going to cop it hot, so I took out me berk. He came up and took a butchers, and it was obvious he didn’t want a Barney or be brown bread. Just then an old bag came out of her room with the biggest fuckin’ Bristols my mince pies have ever seen. The rozzer just stood there with his north and south hangin’ wide open. I made the first move and moved my bottle and glass out of there, when I dropped some of the bees and honey on me daisy roots the bottle picked up the stolen sausage and mash and handed it to me. He even gave us a wink and waved me on. Soon after down the battle cruiser me and the lads celebrated, we had a good bubble.”