Anal Bead Chess Champion Wins Another Match

Twitching and sweating profusely like a Catholic priest at a choir boy convention, celebrated anal bead chess champion Mike Gutters finished off his opponent with a swift check mate move that had the crowd gasping in surprise.

“How did he do that move? I mean, that is a Kasparov x 200 move from nowhere. He sacrificed his Queen for that killer move. Wow! It’s as if he is some kind of computer,” a man in the crowd revealed.

Mike Gutters has now been crowned the anal bead chess champion and holds an unbeaten record against some of the best players in the world.

Speaking after the arduous tournament, Gutters continued twitching and contorting his face in pain whilst loud muffled buzzing sounds were heard coming from somewhere.

“I have been accused of using anal beads to win chess matches by having someone transmit bluetooth signals that vibrate the next move in the game. This is utter <bzzzzzzzzt> nonsense. Ouch. I cannot think of anything more ridiculous. <bzzzzrt!>”

The chess champion then stood up abruptly from his chair, and awkwardly walked towards the door with his legs wide apart, at one point emitting a loud buzzing sound which then triggered a massive muffled fart.