Kremlin Insiders: Putin Has a Penchant For Fried Eggs

Ah, natures noble gift of fried eggs, a truly wonderful way to begin any day whoever you are — even a psychopathic robotic Russian dictator intent on mutually assured destruction.

According to Kremlin insiders, Vladimir Putin does not skimp on eggs in any capacity, feasting on the eggy bounty daily.

“Our dear comrade Vlad, he is in love with eggs. Along with his daily glass of Polonium-210 he has one egg presented on a 350 ft long dining table. It takes the kitchen orderly 12 minutes to walk to the end of the table to present our gracious leader with his single egg. Boiled, fried, scrambled or pickled, Vladimir treasures this natural wonder jettisoned from a select hen every single day,” Igor, a Kremlin insider revealed.

If Vladimir needs salt and pepper on his egg, his personal butler, Jeevski, delivers the condiments to his master on roller skates, cutting the delivery time to eight minutes.

The Russian supreme leader sups on an egg for breakfast at 4 am, an egg for lunch at noon, and an egg for supper at 6 pm.

Devilled eggs as well as poached are only reserved for special days of celebration, for example if a dissident or rival has been successfully poisoned. Usually it’s just a load of nice greasy fried eggs that Vlad loves.

The only drawback to this eggy diet is of course the extreme flatulence suffered by Russia’s supreme dictator. Vlad’s farts are said to resonate through the Kremlin much like a rumbling train, and this is why he makes his ministers and aides sit so far away from him.

During a meeting with Germany’s Chancellor Merkel in 2016 Putin farted directly into her open mouth just as he bent down to move his chair farther away from her. Merkel was seen to lurch backwards and started to shake violently, before a German aide brought her a handkerchief soaked in smelling salts to prevent her from passing out.

One thing these dastardly Western sanctions have not dented is the great Russian egg.

Despite multiple troop losses in the faltering Ukraine war, Vladimir Putin certainly does not have egg on his face or head. These are just rumours and fake news from the Western media.