World Fearing U.S. Election Results

“When George W. Bush was elected, I knew that very bad things were going to happen in the world and I was right. He was a disaster,” Ellen Crissad, a business woman from Primrose Hill, London, revealed.

People around the world may not initially believe that the American elections are going to affect their lives but they’re very wrong.

“If America sneezes, the world catches a cold. The global economy is powered by the United States, and this is why it is crucial that whoever is in charge knows what they are doing,” a financial analyst working in the City told the BBC yesterday.

Never mind the economic implications of a new U.S. president, there are also the consequences of the American war machine. If a certain candidate is voted in, he could easily start invading everything he sees. Americans love war, it kick starts their economy, it fires their American jingoistic fervour.

“America loves a war president, we get our flags out and sit back, break out the popcorn and buds, as we watch brown people being blown to smithereens by jets flying at 40,000 feet over some tiny backwards resource rich shit hole dump. This, for Americans, is the ultimate aphrodisiac; remember that an American male without a gun, is a castrated, emasculated man. We need our guns just to be men, and every once in awhile we have to go and shoot those weapons, it’s a release, almost like ejaculation, except this time with depleted uranium bullets on unarmed civilians. God Bless America, I’m going to go to the shooting range later and blast off a few rounds. Yeehah!” Edgar Rice, an American freelance journalist revealed on Capitol Hill.