David Beckham Calls New Zealand PM an Eproctolagniac Cervicalgiac Cretin

“David’s come out fighting, innit? I put ‘im up to it,” Victoria Beckham told the LA Times yesterday.

According to sources close to the Beckhams, the ex-footballer has been so furious at being called dumb that he has had the best tutors from Oxford and Cambridge university flown in at great expense to try and teach him some big words.

Professor Gerald Tompkins, a prominent Literature lecturer at Magdalene college in Oxford said: “If you can teach monkeys to perform tricks, one can surely teach David Beckham to make clever retorts. Just three months with him and we’ll soon have him talking in whole coherent sentences.”

David Beckham plans to fly back to New Zealand next month to deliver the prepared insulting speech to the PM, he just needs to remember to open his mouth when trying to speak.