Christianity Experts: “You Missed Him, Jesus Came Back Years Ago”

Millions of Christians were in mourning today as it had been revealed that Jesus came back to earth five years ago, but was so appalled by the current state of the human race he decided to go back to heaven.

“He’s not going to come back anytime soon either because what we have uncovered is proof that the Son of God came here five years ago and people who are looking for his return in the future are going to be sadly disappointed,” reverend Gareth Malarcky, for the Bartholomew Episcopal Baptist Church told local radio stations in Mississippi’s largest city, Jackson.

According to Christian theologians who have studied the data, Christ came back briefly in 2007 but did not like what he saw and left soon after.

Jesus was discovered to be back on earth in 2007, as Julio Hernendez, a Hispanic man from North Ridge California. He was employed as a janitor at a local High School in Doofville, 34 km from Sacramento.

“I remember Jesus, because he always had a white halo above his head at all times. That’s how I knew he was the Son of God. I remember speaking to him near the school pool, and he just kept on walking across the water like it was normal. He was a great janitor. One time, we ran out of light bulbs for the gymnasium, so he got one bulb and made two hundred bulbs out of that single bulb. We didn’t have to order any more for the whole season after that, for sure. What about woodwork class? He helped out one day when the main teacher was not there, and he knocked up a chair in next to no time. It was incredible! I also remember him in the canteen, he would do little tricks like turning water into wine. He actually got in trouble with the principle because a lot of the kids were not of legal drinking age, but because it was Jesus, he said it was ok and would not call the cops. Anyway, one day, Jesus was watching the news, and he said the world sucks. It wasn’t like the good old days in Judea, when he used to chill out in Jerusalem. He said he was thinking of going back home to cloud nine, back to his dad because it was getting all fucked up and tedious over here plus the traffic sucked,” Joel Duncans, a friend and colleague of Jesus’s at Doofville High recalled.

Premature Rapturation

According to witnesses, Jesus rose up to heaven on Tuesday, 23 October 2008 at 3.35 pm.

“Jesus walked out to the playing field out back and said he would be going home now because this place really sucked, and besides he was truly bored of everything, including his followers. He whistled with his two fingers and pointed up to a cloud. A big hand suddenly came out of the clouds and took him up. I could hear angels choruses all around me singing hosannas and shit. The light was so bright that I could not see anything for a second. I heard a deep voice coming from heaven saying ‘good to have you back, son’ and I had a big ol’ tear in my eye,” another witness told members of the theological investigation team.

God’s witness

Jesus was then seen by over fifty people rising up into the sky in the hand of God and disappearing into a big fluffy cloud followed by a clap of lightning.

“It was awesome dude, I saw Jesus going up to heaven. Someone’s going to have to write a new chapter in the Bible,” John Lamo, 17, a student at the High School, revealed.

The Vatican and branches of the Protestant churches will all make official announcements on Thursday about the return of Jesus.