Don't Worry Rupert You're Always Welcome at the Squib

After being deemed ‘not fit for purpose’ to run his global conglomerate, the media tycoon, Rupert Murdoch can at least find solace with a place in the Daily Squib boardroom.

“We’ve already got everything set up for Rupert. When he walks into his new Squib office he’ll have a lineup of fresh meat waiting for him. These girls will be delivered straight from Hong Kong and will be as fresh as the tulips in a Dutch garden. Then once he’s done his daily business, of course with the aid of some trusty pills, he can engage in his other pastime of flicking through the newspapers trying to find some filth to get our writers to write about. I’m not sure how we’ll indulge his love of phone hacking because we don’t do that at the Squib, but we could get in some fake emails and phone calls for him to listen to in the morning, which he will enjoy with a nice cup of black coffee, no sugar, no cream. Rupert will love to scoot around the Squib’s halls on his wheelchair and everyone knows he looks a bit like Davros. That’s why we’ll deck the halls out with cardboard cutouts of different characters from the Dr Who series and the Leveson Inquiry, so he feels more at home. All in all, Rupert will have a grand time at the Squib offices and his lavatorial throne will be resplendently decorated with faux gold and shit. As for his assistant Rebekah, she can bring her horse along too and a few bent coppers to hand over brown envelopes stuffed with cash to once in awhile,” Sub editor, Al Hertyu, remarked in anticipation of the ‘great one’s’ entrance to the Daily Squib offices.