Theresa May: London Olympics Could Be Held At Heathrow

“Athletes and visitors from foreign countries do not technically have to go through immigration then because they will be watching and partaking in the Olympics from Heathrow airport,” May told a Commons hearing on the Olympics fiasco today.

Instead of it taking four hours for each and every Olympic visitor to go through UK immigration border control , Olympic fans will now be able to watch a bit of track and field maybe or check out the synchronised swimming team all from the comfort of Heathrow airport.

“We can easily use Heathrow’s runway on Terminal 4 as a track, and we want to flood the arrivals lounge to put in an Olympic swimming pool. How’s about a bit of boxing in the WHSmith’s? We can put in a few rings there, and the luggage belt could be a good cycle track. Don’t know about the pole vault though, maybe we can do it near the boarding gates over the piles of discarded luggage?” Geoff Allinson, Heathrow’s general manager told the BBC.

London Mayor, Boris Johnson, said the idea was “brillo” and suggested that having the women’s beach volley ball teams playing in the BA First Class lounge was a “stupendously spectacular” idea and he couldn’t wait to watch the proceedings with a gin and tonic, some cashews and a big shit-eating grin on his face.

As for the Olympic flame, that could be be housed over the men’s toilets in Terminal 2, or maybe the airport’s control tower.

“The good thing about this is after the Olympics are over, people just get on their planes and go home, simple as that,” Mrs May added.