We Tried to Interview Theresa May About Her Draft EU Deal

As the Daily Squib’s political correspondent, I was privileged to be given access to Theresa May at Number 10, Downing Street.

This is a time of great crisis for the Prime Minister, who is trying to sell her ‘Brexit’ deal to the parliament and country.

DS: Prime minister May, thank you kindly for granting us access, especially in this time of turmoil and political chaos.

TM: I am firmly committed to conducting the Brexit the people voted for, to take the UK out of the customs union, to control migration, to take the UK out of the Common Agricultural Policy, to take the UK out of the EU fisheries policy and to take back control.

DS: How can we get out of the customs union when there is a clause tying the UK to the EU permanently? Even your attorney general, Geoffrey Cox, warned you and the cabinet that this will be nigh on impossible to get out of, and even if the UK tries to get out of it, it will take decades of lawyers working day and night at huge cost to the country. Not only that, you have conceded to pay the EU £39 billion for the pleasure of imprisonment and nothing else to show for it.

TM: I am firmly committed to conducting the Brexit the people voted for, to take the UK out of the customs union, to control migration, to take the UK out of the Common Agricultural Policy, to take the UK out of the EU fisheries policy and to take back control.

DS. Do you think it was right for a Remainer to try to conduct a Brexit? Most of the Cabinet are Remainers, and most of the civil service, Treasury and Bank of England. Your deal looks like it is a remain document as opposed to a Brexit document. In other words, everything is geared towards appeasing the EU with massive capitulations making the UK into a vassal state with no say or get out clause.

TM: I am firmly committed to conducting the Brexit the people voted for, to take the UK out of the customs union, to control migration, to take the UK out of the Common Agricultural Policy, to take the UK out of the EU fisheries policy and to take back control.

DS: How do you respond to the mass ministerial resignations from the party and your cabinet in protest at the deal you have presented?

TM: I am firmly committed to conducting the Brexit the people voted for, to take the UK out of the customs union, to control migration, to take the UK out of the Common Agricultural Policy, to take the UK out of the EU fisheries policy and to take back control.

DS: You keep saying that but the document says otherwise. Why do you say one thing when you are presenting something completely different? This document keeps the UK tied to the EU indefinitely. Why are you lying? Are you going to give a free vote on this draft to parliament Mrs May? Please answer the questions, Mrs May.

TM: I am firmly committed to conducting the Brexit the people voted for, to take the UK out of the customs union, to control migration, to take the UK out of the Common Agricultural Policy, to take the UK out of the EU fisheries policy and to take back control (frothing at the mouth).

DS: Are you okay Mrs. May (concerned)?

TM: Error syntax error (zzzzzst) compilation error (sparks flying) Trying to reboot (tsssssssszzzk) run time error (smoke coming from ears) logic overload motherboard error! (zzzzzst) shut down! shut down!

Number 10 technicians in white coats immediately rush in with an assortment of screwdrivers, pliers and cranks. They try to repair Mrs May, who at one point tries dancing but her leg falls off.

I bid my farewell, and flee Downing Street, traumatised by what I have witnessed.