5 Ways For Journalists to Survive Visiting a Saudi Consulate

The sad demise of Saudi journalist Jamal Khashoggi when he entered the Saudi consulate in Istanbul has prompted many journos to come up with some innovative ways to avoid certain death when entering a Saudi consulate.

1. Only ever enter a Saudi consulate with a full camera crew. At least this way, if a hit squad member takes out a bone saw and tries to chop off your leg, there will be a crew of five or so press people to either deter the attacker by filming or fight him off.
2. Alternatively, dump the camera crew mentioned earlier, and opt for a full squad of mercenaries armed to the teeth. If you are then greeted by a grinning Saudi with a bone saw and injection, just click your fingers and duck. After the shooting stops, simply fill in the necessary forms you came to fill, and leave.
3. Enter the Saudi consulate wearing a full set of Medieval armour. This way, if a Saudi hit squad member tries to dismember you he will be shit out of luck. Don’t forget to bring a broadsword with you to defend yourself with.
4. Hire a tank for the day. When outside, shoot a few volleys into the front of the consulate, or simply drive through to the office where you have to fill in the forms. If you are applying for a Visa, don’t forget to present your passport and additional ID through the tank’s hatch.
5. Lastly, possibly the simplest of solutions. Never deal with Saudi journalistic ventures, and if you are a Saudi national, never write anything critical of the brutal regime.

This year alone 44 journalists have been killed worldwide. From 1992 – 2018, 1323 journalists have been killed and 262 journalists imprisoned in 2017, mostly in Turkey.