Confused Wall Street Protesters Call For Re-election of Obama

“We’re insane. we actually don’t know what we’re saying or doing. We’re completely misguided. Barack Obama, who is part of the political elite, should be re-elected? We actually had no idea that Obama is part of the elite, and he’s the one doing all these bad things to us but we’re fresh out of college and don’t know shit. Hell, I’m so dumb I don’t even know that the sky is blue and the grass is green,” Dim Eidjut, 23, a university graduate from Wisconsin who just got his eyes plastered with pepper spray, told ABC news.

Indeed, it seems the protesters are only using one brain cell collectively and it’s firing at half capacity.

“These fuckers are so dumb that they actually don’t know why they’re here? These people are proof that the elite dumbing down exercises have worked very well within the American indoctrination system. If this is the standard of education in modern day America, I’m afraid there is no hope for anyone,” a shocked observer told reporters at the scene.

Another observer assembled on the edge of the protest scene said: “First of all, if these morons want to bring down the banking system, stop frickin’ buying things with your credit cards. Don’t buy what the adverts tell you to buy. Throw away your cheque books, don’t buy anything from Walmart or whatever other store you get your crap clothes from. Don’t pay your bills. Don’t live in a house, don’t wear shoes, don’t drive a car or pay for gas. If these people want to hurt the bankers, don’t use money. That’s the only way to stop the controllers. You take away their goodies, then what are they going to do? If everyone did that for three days, the whole system would collapse. I feel sorry for these poor people protesting, I’ve seen more brains in a pile of festering dog shit.”

As the morbidly vapid shuffle around holding their poorly written placards, a wave of laughter spreads from the tower blocks surrounding Wall Street, it is the sound of the bankers creaming off more spoils for the day. It seems like it’s another regular day in the business district, and the feckless fools pretending to protest for a cause are simply flailing around in the dark. Viva la non-Revolución.