Theresa May: “I Am the Chequers Plan, and It is Me!”

Current Prime Minister, Theresa May, has spoken out about the massive criticism of the Chequers plan she drafted along with German Chancellor Angela Merkel.

“This is a message to Boris, Jacob and all the other nitter natters who say my Chequers plan is not worth the paper it was drawn on.

“You cannot change my mind. I am Chequers and it is me. My superiors in Brussels have told me that I must keep to my guns, and put it through parliament whatever the cost, or I will be punished severely for messing that up, like all the other things I have messed up.

“I, as Prime Minister of Britain am confident that the Chequers plan is good, because it means we will keep all EU laws and regulations, and be subject to any future changes made by the EU.

“It is vital that it is in the interests of the EU to fashion its rules to benefit producers and manufacturers from the continent, which will thus supersede any UK company. Frankly, I think this is a good thing because UK manufacturers are shit.

“Suffice to say, by stringently following the EU rulebook, the UK will be impaired in creating sufficient worldwide trade deals or even negotiate. This is good by me as well, because Angela told me to write it, and I agree with her wholeheartedly.

“In addition to the above, the Chequers Plan will prevent the UK from including Mutual Recognition Agreements for goods in trade treaties and this will effectively destroy any chance of any deals with some of our biggest partners, like the USA and Australia.

“Yes, we will continue to be a Vichy government to the EU, and have little sovereign value, or democratic value, but I shall continue to lie to everyone by saying I have delivered Brexit as the ‘people’ wanted it. Those ‘people’ reside in Brussels and I have thus completed my job.

“You cannot oust me, because for a start, you are weak, a bunch of Brexiteer losers, and you also do not have the fashion sense I have. Boris and Jacob have all bleated to the press that it is not about me leaving the job of PM but of ditching Chequers. Well, I repeat once again, I am Chequers and it is me. I know you won’t dare to rebel against me, because I have the whole EU behind me, the Treasury, the BoE, the Lords, and my extreme left-wing friends the Labour Remoaners.

“Ta ta, losers. I won! Hammond, Gove and I will celebrate with a slap up meal of French scallops fished from UK waters by French trawlers at Mark Carney’s mansion on the eve of Brexit, which in reality is a BRINO, as we all very well know.”