Police to be Armed With Brown Paper Bags

The police will from now on be armed with a simple paper bag so that during any form of altercation or criminal activity, money can be slipped into the bag and the issue can be resolved quickly and painlessly.

“This is going to solve a lot of crimes because once our officers receive their cash in the brown bags, they will simply walk away or even better still go on a prolonged all-expenses paid pamper spa session at Champneys. Don’t forget, we only use eco-friendly recycled brown paper bags at the Met, so rest assured we are also saving the planet as well as fighting crime,” Sir Paul Scribbers said in today’s issue of the News of the World.

The Home Secretary, Theresa May, welcomed the new police crime initiative, even going on to say that she would like a brown paper bag herself in Westminster, just like all the other MPs.

Even Prime Minister, David Cameron, chipped in on Sunday to praise the new police paper bag initiative.

“This is a great way of reducing erroneous crime statistics. If you commit a crime, you simply go to a McDonalds drop off zone, preferably in the Wapping area, signal to a policeman, who presents a brown paper bag to you. Of course, the amount of cash you deposit in the bag determines whether you walk free that day or not. This is simple economics and is a great way of solving the awful crime wave that is around at the moment. I have to reiterate that the brown paper bag means everyone’s happy, the criminal, as well as the bent copper,” the jubilant PM was quoted saying from his retreat in Chequers.