Who's Next on the Obama Assassination List?

The Obama administration is speeding up the process for worldwide assassinations specifically to boost his chances of re-election in 2012, the White House has announced.

“Obama is personally overseeing the assassinations in his situation room where he can direct the Seals or Marines into action. He tells them who to shoot and how they should do it,” Freddy Kocnich, a White House aide revealed on Thursday.

Major targets at the moment are obviously headed by Colonel Gaddafi, but the U.S. has a number of other key players around the world who could do some serious boosting to Obama’s re-election.

“We wouldn’t mind getting the guy in Pakistan and taking that place over, but they got nukes. Syria’s Assad is another one but their Russian friends are too close and could get dangerous. Ahmedinnajacket is up there, but those pesky Iranians have nukes now too. China’s too big. Obama’s got something against Britain because they tortured Kenyans all those years ago. Unfortunately for him, Britain is meant to be a key player in NATO and an ally to the U.S. so no go there. Jeez, if only he could bump off that Sarah Palin, or Trump?” Mr Kocnich said.