Worldwide Mysterious Bird Deaths Finally Solved

“After much research, we have finally come to the conclusion that Jesus is coming back soon and we are getting very close to the Rapture,” Professor Alex Pendleton, the chief scientist in charge of the emergency study into the bird deaths told Fox News.

According to many of the scholars, Jesus is flying around the earth at thousands of miles per hour waiting for the right time to land and it is because of the immense speed he is flying at that he is colliding with birds who are migrating back up north from their winter retreats in the southern hemisphere. 

The Rapture

“Jesus is coming back for the Rapture when all the Christians will be lifted up and taken up to heaven, where they will live in paradise for all of eternity. He is circling the earth right now as we speak and when he lands there will be bright lights and sounds of angels blowing their trumpets and bassoons. If you ain’t a true Christian, you’re shit outta luck though. He’s definitely coming now because of all the troubles in the world. Gays in the military and Obama the Anti-Christ,” Professor Pendleton said.

Christian scholars from the institute previously said that the Rapture was meant to have occurred in 2009 but it was subsequently re-scheduled for 2010, that date did not materialise either, so hopefully 2011 will be the year that Jesus comes back to save the Christians from living on earth.

Radar Tracking Jesus

“We’ve been tracking him circling the earth for weeks now on radar and satellite. We use satellite trackers to see Jesus. He sure flies fast too. I saw him banking over the horizon last night and he zoomed past at about 12,000 km/h. Dang, it was a beautiful sight. He made a great big ‘whooshing’ sound as he flew past. I just got chills down my back and had to get down on my knees right there in the gas station to pray,” Edward Jonestown, another researcher working on the project said. 

Some country folk, however, have sadly tried to shoot Jesus as he strafed their towns in the Midwest.

“We had some boys shooting at him thinkin’ he was an Iraqi attack airplane or the Russians. We had to go over to their trailer and tell them to stop shooting at Jesus. I think he’s bullet proof anyway, but still it’s disrespectful,” Merv Bart, a logger from Deans Creek in Wisconsin told CBS news.

There were also protests from wildlife preservation groups and animal rights activists who decry the fact that Jesus is out there killing birds because he’s flying so fast.

“He saved the birds in the cages in the temple in Jerusalem. So what’s he doing flying around killing all the blackbirds? I’ve reported him to the authorities and PETA,” Anna Bolic, an angry animal rights activist from Utah said.