Obama to be Reprogrammed in Sleep Says Pentagon

“Obama resembles a beaten man. He looks like he got bit by a rattle snake on his mangy ass. Moping around beaches kicking sand, mumbling a few words here and there. The boy lost his purpose. That’s why we got to reprogram him to do the job with some f*cking balls man. What happened to him? Sh*t, I seen restroom attendants with more charisma than this turkey, this is an urgent operation that has to be completed for the good of our nation. We’re a laughing stock around the world right now because of this dud,” chief programmer, Herman Fitz, told the Washington Post.

If there ever was a time for the reprogramming of Barack Obama, this is it. He seems to have run out of ideas at home as well as abroad. How long can he cling to the same limited script he was issued when he was placed into the position of president?

“Even GWB let go of the autocue for a second or two sometime during his disastrous presidency, and he was dumber than a bag of hair. This guy Obama needs to have an autocue to talk to his goddamn wife in bed! He couldn’t pour p*ss out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel,” a disgusted democrat who voted for Obama, revealed on CNN on Friday.

The reprogramming of Obama is set to commence next week when Mr Fitz will conduct the mind programming operation whilst Obama is asleep in the family bedroom. The CIA operative will try to introduce some sense of charisma and courage into the ailing president’s weak placid constitution.

Mr Fitz added: “He’s eat up with sorry. Too much golf — born on a Wednesday, looking both ways for Sunday. After I reprogram him, he’ll be firing on all pistons and actually doing something useful for a change.”