Gordon Told to Impregnate Wife Sarah or Lose Election

“We have ordered a bucket of Viagra to be delivered to Downing Street and are getting Gordo and Sarah to make an election baby. If Cameron thinks he’s going to pip us to the post with an election sprog, we’re going to get on with our own Labour election winner,” Arthur Spin, a member of the Downing Street election campaign staff told the BBC.

Labour leaders were said to be worried however that Gordon’s efforts may not be enough to secure an election win.

“Gordon hasn’t slept since 2007 let alone done the dirty with his wife. He’s so consumed by his control-freakery that he even has speech writers briefing him in the Number10 bedroom at all hours of the night while Sarah is busy twittering on her laptop, that and the amount of pills he’s popping to stop him going absolutely psycho has caused havoc on his already bonkers mindset. We don’t think he’s up for the job frankly,” another Labour election campaigner told the Mirror.

Plan B, however, may be needed where some pillows will be strapped to Sarah Brown’s torso in order for her to look like she really is preggers.

“Well, we’ve lied about everything else Labour has done so why not this? If it gets us an election win who f*cking cares,” Mr Spin added.