Tory Weapon that Will Clinch the Election Win

“This is the clincher. Our secret weapon is actually a plant. It’s got one eye and a vicious temperament. Everything this thing does is a gift for us. Everything this thing touches turns to poo. Yes, you’ve guessed it. It’s Gordo. For the Conservative party, he is actually the best thing that ever happened to us. And not only has he ensured we get elected, he has also ensured that the Labour party is not elected again for the next 50 years minimum, or ever,” the Sherry quaffing Tory MP, Ronald Beastley Didlington, proudly bristling in his pinstripe told the Times.

Indeed, without the superior level of disaster and horror brought on by the unelected one-eyed Scot, Britain would have been in better shape to cope with the recession and maybe Gordo would have had a chance at an election — that is if he did not chicken out again.

The Prime Minister is a one-man walking holocaust on this country and his policies of waste, inefficiency, stupidity and cowardice have ensured that millions of Britons will be stuck with his debts for many generations.

“Brown alone has committed every British person for many generations to extreme poverty and unemployment saddled with £1.6 Trillion of toxic debt. He has bankrupted the country about ten times over. Only someone like him could have sold off most of Britain’s gold reserves at the bottom of the market when the price of gold has now surpassed $1000. Only someone like him would soil the memories of the victims of Lockerbie for Libyan oil contracts. Only someone like Brown would ensure, through his scorched earth policies, the inevitable destruction of any green shoots in the economy with his lousy worthless rantings and half-baked dawdling,” an ex-Labour minister who quit in May told the Daily Squib.

According to cabinet insiders, Brown is holed up in his bunker and won’t come out. He is said to be so unstable that he now walks the halls of 10 Downing Street singing Susan Boyle songs dressed like a manic schizoid clown.

“When he’s not throwing fax machines through windows, he’s strangling his PR executives. He’s already gone through six of them in the last two days. I think it’s only a matter of time before they cart him off to one of his own gulags and try to retire this total disaster for Britain. Unfortunately, if they do that before the election, that would mean Labour would have a chance of winning and the Tories are absolutely praying that never happens. Hold on Gordo. Keep up with your magic touch,” Eamon Duncan, political pundit for the Old Statesman wrote on Friday.