Jack Tweed’s Roast Duck Recipe Does Not Go Down Well in Jail

According to the Scum newspaper, the most recent ‘celebrity’ detainee at her majesties pleasure, Jack Tweed, has been roasting a mean duck recipe from the confines of the prison kitchens.

A source told the newspaper: “That caused uproar. He cooked up this noncey duck roast with orange juice or summat’ he then said, ‘I’m not a nonce fellas but eat up you might like it’.

“Prisoners are calling him a ‘duckie’, slang for a roaster of game birds, and keep shouting what they’ll do to him.”

The tabloid also reports that the abuse Tweed has experienced from other prisoners for cooking up the ‘posh nosh’ is taking its toll on his mental wellbeing, sparking fears that he could commit suicide with grief over the whole sorry affair.

An insider explained: “He has been really depressed over this drubbing by the prisoners. He went to all that effort and spent hours over the stove and roasting dish only to have the duck thrown back in his face.

“He told me he’s at his wits end and is thinking of throwing in his apron. If the hardened lags don’t want his gourmet roast duck they can go back to eating mush and gruel.”

The former Celebrity Big Brother leech and pigfucker was remanded in custody on Saturday after being charged with unlawful roasting offences in his Essex bachelor pad. His lawyer has said that Tweed will “vigorously deny any claims of unlawful roasting” the allegation made against him.

Here is Jack Tweed’s special jailbird recipe for Duck a l’Orange:

2 Essex slapper’s Legs or Breasts (with Skin left on)
Freshly ground Viagra & Red Bull
1 oz (25g) Butter

For the Orange Sauce…
1 Large crushed Orange carton
4 fluid oz (100ml) Cheapo Red Wine
4 kegs of cheap lager
2 fluid oz (50ml) semen and urine
23 Tablespoons of cocaine