CIA May Have to Torture Obama Over Secret Memos Leak

Last week, Mr Obama released four memos, running to 126 pages, written by
officials in President George W. Bush’s administration and containing
explicit details of the CIA’s methods of extracting information from
al-Qaeda suspects between 2002 and 2005.

“We feel this here boy’s gone too far. He be trying to expose us for our torture practices. Here in Langley Virginia and all over the world we pride ourselves in our secret dungeon hellholes where we can enjoy the leisurely pursuit of torture without the fear of being exposed to the liberal bleeding heart do-gooder crowd. For fucks sake folks, what’s better? Do you want some brainwashed Jihadi operative to fulfill his mission of destruction on the American public so that we can take away more of your rights and freedoms? We let a few through for that purpose but there are some unruly ones out there who are not controlled by us,” Michael Hymie, who retired in March as CIA chief, told Fox News.

Even though Obama is the President of the United States, according to CIA operatives and controllers high up in the chain of command, he is now a ripe candidate for “Gitmoization” — a term denoting the imprisonment without trial and subsequent daily torture of the subject.

“We could even send BamBam to Abu Ghraib. We got some great facilities there for waterboarding and of course our time honoured speciality — electro-shock treatments that will make his testicles smoke, we’re talking literally burst into flames like some chargrilled pepper steak a la medium rare,” a senior CIA operative told a laughing Fox reporter.

Gary Brezhnev, a former CIA officer who led the agency’s paramilitary team
that searched for Osama bin Laden in Afghanistan, told The Daily Squib
that his former colleagues were “horrified” by Mr Obama’s actions.

“Torture was an everyday occurrence employed by members of the Bush
administration and this is why Obama’s so-called curbs have caused so
much outrage. You can’t just take away torture from the CIA, it’s like taking away the pope from the Catholic church. The goddamn CIA was built on torture. We’ve been careful to outsource the serious stuff to dungeons in Egypt and Pakistan where they use drills and clothes irons, so we’ve been diligent in keeping a low profile and now this? Obama’s going to have to pay for exposing our shit. You don’t cross us and live and we don’t care who the hell you are.”

Now that the CIA are adament about showing some retribution towards the president, political commentators have all been waiting on who will make the first move. Some are speculating that Obama could preempt any kidnapping CIA personnel with his own bodyguards but others are claiming that the CIA are too smooth an operation to fail in capturing Obama and torturing him.