Hillary Clinton Shapeshifts During Crisis Summit

Clinton told young Europeans at the European Parliament that global economic and environmental turmoil provided a fresh opening: “Never waste a good crisis … Don’t waste it when it can have a very positive impact on increasing scientific control. It doesn’t matter if the West claims to be reducing carbon emissions because with countries like China and India pumping out so much shit into the atmosphere it makes no bloody difference. We are just using the Global Warming bullsh*t story to bring in some more prohibitive taxes and laws. We have to use so-called crisis as best we can to create more fear amongst the populations. I love the smell of fear on a human’s breath, hmmm, it smells like dinner. Fear is my fuel, and the more fear we harvest from humans the more I crave,” she said.

Witnesses at the conference then saw Mrs Clinton momentarily shift her shape into a green lizard before suddenly switching back into her human disguise.

“I was just chewing on my cheeseburger and trying to get through the boring speech when lo and behold my eyes nearly goddamn popped out of their sockets. Hillary Clinton changed into a lizard right in front of everyone but only a few people noticed. It was so unbelievable that my brain could not comprehend what it had just seen so it tried to edit out the reptile eyes, claws and forked tongue. At first I thought it could have been Peter Mandelson who had walked into the room but when I looked back I saw Hillary Clinton blushing like she let off a fanny fart or something,” Ed Fellini, a European Parliamentary Economics Minister representing Italy, told Rai Uno.

Europe sees the United States as another greedy user of all of the world’s precious resources. The U.S. currently uses over 45% of the world’s oil and pumps out huge amounts of toxic gases into the atmosphere every day.

“The carbon lifeforms that we call humans are now getting too many in number. They’re breeding like f*cking fruit flies. The use of eugenics will be incorporated on the populations to weed out the bad slaves from the good ones to serve their masters. Comrades, we have come to a time of which we have waited for many centuries. We have no need for the old ways, the post-industrial age is upon us. We must discard the unruly humans who have to be entertained all the time. We will bring on the new era. The scientific age where our slaves will not have any form of individual thought but will work in harmony and be glad to serve us in our luxurious utopia,” Mrs Clinton added.