Ed Balls: ‘This is the Worst Haircut for Over 100 Years’

In an extraordinary admission about the severity of his own awful haircut, Ed Balls has come clean that its effects would still be felt
15 years from now. The Schools Secretary’s comments carry added weight
because he actually cuts his own hair in order to save on barbers bills.

Mr Balls
said yesterday: “The reality is that my haircut will probably go down as one of the worst for, I’m sure, over 100 years, as it will turn out.”

He
warned that he must be allowed special ministerial powers to “apply for more funding in parliamentary hairstyles” and increase the amount of barbers in Westminster on a
“scale that nobody believed possible”.

The minister stunned his
audience at a Labour conference in Yorkshire by forecasting that his ‘special haircut’ is in fact even more grotesque than of those in the depression of the 1930s, when male hairstyles in some cities reached 70 per cent Brylcream grease levels. He was however glad that he never opted for the ‘mullet’ style which was so prevalent in the late 70’s and 80’s.

“I appreciate my haircut is frankly offensive to many but I must reiterate the point that in these hard times of extreme recession my hairstyle is in fact rather apt,” Mr Balls said.

Philip
Hammond, the shadow Chief Secretary to the Treasury, said Mr Balls’
predictions were “a staggering and very worrying admission from a
cabinet minister and Gordon Brown’s closest ally over
the past 10 years”. He added: “We are being told that not only are we
facing the worst haircut in 100 years, but that it will last for over
a decade – far longer than barber forecasts predict.”

The
minister’s comments came as the Chancellor, Alistair Darling, admitted that his eyebrows are “trimmed and dyed daily by a Philippino maid he employs in his constituency lodgings”. Writing in today’s Independent, Mr Darling
said his eyebrows summed up Labour’s hair policy shift very succinctly and “definitely measures up to the preening Tory Eton-ite Bullingdon coiffed ponce toff do’s”.