McCain ‘Still Alive’ Say Advisers

NASHVILLE - USA - John McCain's advisers insisted that he is still alive despite a flat lining performance in the presidential debate in which he twice appeared to die.

John McCain, the future president of the United States of America

Steve Scheisse, one of the Republican candidate’s senior aides, said: “When
you look at this race with 28 days to go, we are of the firm belief that John McCain will survive for that long and win the race.

“Senator McCain has been written off for dead at least three
times so far in the last two days. We have the best medical teams in this country dedicated to ensuring his survival during the election.

“At the end of the day Senator McCain is still alive, and we can assure our supporters and backers that he will live past the election date.”

Mr McCain is regularly pumped with a formaldehyde solution to give his complexion the appearance of youth.

After the debate, McCain was stretchered off the stage and given CPR as well as oxygen. His handlers were extremely happy with his performance and thought that he had clinched the debate despite him falling asleep half way through and wandering off the stage three times.

Steve Scheisse, Mr McCain‘s chief strategist, told assembled reporters before the debate that the “gloves are off” then added “but don’t worry his depends diapers are staying on”.

He also added that there had been a decisive shift in America’s mood that would
carry Mr McCain to victory. “The wagon wheel of history is turning here,”
said Mr Scheisse.

Polls taken
immediately after Tuesday night’s clash in Nashville show that the 125
year old’s position in the race is heating up. A CNN national poll
registered Mr McCain as the winner by 54 to 30 points and a CBS poll
had Mr McCain edging out his rival by 39 to 27
points.