Bercow to Set Wife On Tories

“After the shabby and frankly obvious actions of the Tories to oust me I have been given no other option but to set my fucking wife on you stinky Tories,” a visibly angry and shaken Speaker of the House, John Bercow squeaked in parliament yesterday.

The plan to oust the biased Speaker, who always favours the Labour party in parliamentary debates, has been on the Tory agenda for some time but the plot to unseat Bercow failed miserably at the last quarter.

“The Speaker is meant to be neutral but Bercow is an obvious Labour plant. Him and his awful staunchly Labour supporting wife are a team concocted in the rotting rectum of Gordon Brown’s era,” a Tory backbencher said before slinking back behind a curtain.

Conservative backbenchers and MPs are on full alert as rumours swirl of possible action against them, like being bundled into a stained white sheet whilst Mrs Bercow’s gypsy prize fighter lover lumbers up out of the shadows to beat the living shit out of them. Mr Bercow may even join in kicking them in the shins, such is the desire for revenge from the Speaker.