Tony Blair: “I Have Accomplished More Than I wished For as Middle East Peace Envoy”

“Being the Peace Envoy to the Middle East has been thoroughly enjoyable, my actions to destabilise the region have gone so well that I have heard I should be up for a Nobel Peace prize next year.

“During my tenure as PM, Christian Crusader and peace envoy I oversaw the deaths of millions of people, and the displacement of millions more from their homes. I am proud of this outstanding achievement, especially when I see the fruits of my policies every day on the screens; of the needless destruction; the cold blooded murders; the hatred and callous slaughter of women, children and men.

“Remember that it is all part of the greater plan, something higher than the mere plebs could ever understand. This is why I have been welcomed into the fold of the powerful, the super rich, the halls of enlightenment have welcomed me and I have fulfilled my Christian duty marvellously.

“The Gulf war that I conducted with Bush was to destabilise and acquire assets. We achieved that goal, as my bank account attests. What is happening now in the Middle East is a further reaction to the Allied campaign we engineered and the destruction is magnificent to behold. The reason the West is not sending any more troops is that from our first jaunt there, we realised that the risks to gain oil fields are actually not worth the bother any more. These people are untermenschen, actually they’re lower than sub-humans, therefore we shall leave that region to rot in its own destructive decay. We created this suffering, and hopefully they will all kill each other in the end and everything will be fine.

“I will not be peace envoy any more, you will find me on a yacht somewhere in the Adriatic being nursed by a paid hand, and I’ll be giggling like a deranged hyena as I watch the daily reports of my successes as Middle East Peace Envoy. Now fuck off, I have an important meeting with some young ladies, a massage table, and some Krug Clos d’Ambonnay.”