Obama: “Why Open U.S. Borders Are Great For Sex Offenders, Rapists, Drug Smugglers and Gangs”

“The U.S. needs more sex offenders, more gangs, more drug smugglers, more rapists, more violent criminals and murderers. It’s all about enriching the demographic. Every neighbourhood in America will soon feel the impact of my open door policy, no one will escape. As Americans, we need to accommodate these new citizens who are pouring over our borders daily. They will be given our full support, and the rapists and paedophiles that will come to your neighbourhoods, you must open your doors to them, say welcome, remember this is the American spirit of immigrants, welcome them into your home. Mi casa su casa,” president Obama said on Friday in the White House Rose garden.

When asked by a reporter whether terrorists were pouring through the open borders as well, the president was just as accommodating.

“We don’t keep records exactly of who we are inviting over the borders but we have some idea of the demographic. Certainly the border guards do catch some terrorists here or there, but we let them go on their way. Hell, they could be on some kind of mission or something, we don’t want to mess with that.”

It’s just not the thousands and thousands of criminals and sex offenders that are coming into the U.S. but now the Americans are starting to see strains of diseases and viruses never before encountered in mainland America.

The president also added his uplifting thoughts on the spread of disease through open U.S. borders: “So you caught Ebola or something, just go and get a shot and it should clear up. We actually need more diseases and viruses in this country to increase our immunity to them. The more the better, that’s why any illegal immigrant who has HIV or Ebola is given first priority and shipped to any neighbourhood they want to go to. This is the spirit of America, a country built on immigration by immigrants. If you don’t like it, get the fuck out, because 10,000 rabid rapists are willing to take your place. Why don’t you go and live in the South Pole or something. Jeez, is that the time, I’ve got a date with a golfing green. Until next time. Enjoy!”