How to Frack in Your Own Back Garden

The media keeps going on about how we’re all out of recession and the economy is flying high once again. Sure, you can believe it if you want, but the ordinary Briton is not generally feeling much joy, especially with sky high rip off energy costs. This winter you don’t have to freeze your proverbial tits off, instead follow the lead of the government and you may even make a profit.

Fracking in your back garden is an ideal opportunity to make some serious cash. There are dozens of companies selling portable fracking kits which you simply assemble a la Ikea in your garden. Do make sure you read up on geology to find out where the shale is and how far the drill will have to go.

If you frack, there will be slight changes to your pride and joy, well, you will have to say goodbye to all the grass, flowers, trees and plants. You may also get some stick from your neighbours but if you cut a deal with them, maybe they can have some of your profit, bribes go a long way in the drilling business, and if you are to succeed, you will have to learn how to bribe well.

When you’re finally fracking away, the drill will go deep vertically then horizontally. You may get some contaminated groundwater but that’s a small price to pay for huge profits. Fracking uses up vast amounts of water so be prepared for a rather large bill from your local water supplier, or alternatively if you live near a reservoir, lake or river, just extend a pipeline to that and suck it dry. Don’t forget the earthquakes, best to ignore them eh, don’t want a few earth tremors getting in the way of your prospective profits.