"How The Internet Ruined My Life" by WikiLeaks Boss

“I have this irresistible urge to leak all over the World Wide Web. Sometimes, I have to be locked away from an internet connection. Please, I need help, my leaking is getting out of hand,” Mr Assange told Wired magazine.

The WikiLeaks boss is so dedicated to leaking that he is permanently glued to the internet via a special internet goggles headset. He is so engrossed in his leaking activities that he sometimes does not even have time to eat or pass bodily functions for days at a time.

His long suffering girlfriend, Matilda Huberstinka, speaks about Assange’s ailing condition: “Julian doesn’t sleep but leaks all through the night, then if he hears something from a military or CIA source, his leaking gets more pronounced. Sometimes I try to feed him Twinkies or M&M’s through a makeshift tube linked to his quivering mouth, sometimes I put a few shrimps on the barbie and he eats those. I get to change his nappies three or four times a day because his constant leaking means he doesn’t do conventional bathroom breaks. We also have to keep moving, from motel to motel, which can be a problem too. If the American government gets wind of where we’re staying, then we soon get these sinister looking assholes in grey suits turning up. You ever tried to change a grown man’s nappy whilst being pursued by crazed secret servicemen on a mission to bust you for leaking the truth.”

No doubt, Mr Assange’s brave leaking is a breath of fresh air in a world where the media is so tightly controlled by governments worldwide, so in this respect, Mr Assange should be commended for his dutiful role as the world’s foremost leaker extraordinaire.