Are You Eating Halal Eggs?

Halal eggs are used in pretty much everything from your mayo to the chocolate cake you stuffed into your salivating mouth yesterday.

“I had an omelette this morning and then whilst on the train proceeded to read my copy of the Daily Mail. To say I was horrified at what I read would be an understatement. I realised that my omelette was made from halal eggs. I immediately stuck two fingers down my throat and vomited over the person next to me on the morning commute from Oxford,” Reggie Sanders, 56, a company director, told the Evening Standard.

Halal eggs are created by chickens who lay eggs in the Islamic fashion. They are first blessed by an Imam, then they are told to submit to God whilst laying their eggs. Factory farms across the UK all have resident Islamic priests who recite the Koran to chickens before they lay their eggs. The chickens also have to face Mecca and if they refuse are sent to be slaughtered, in the halal way of course.

This begs the question, what about Easter Eggs? Well, you think they’re Christian eggs, but they’re actually halal eggs squirted ritually from the bottoms of hens and painted like Easter eggs.

Nigel Farage of Ukip has vowed to  ensure all eggs in the UK are Ukip eggs when he wins the next election, seeing as he was unceremoniously yoked by a deadly halal egg on a recent walkabout.