Halal News: Everyone in UK is Now a Muslim

“If you eat Halal meat you are adhering to the Muslim religious laws, therefore be a good Muslim now, do eat up your food, that’s a good chap,” Abdul Al-Haq, a Pakistani Muslim from Britain’s Good Cuisine Guide revealed today.

In fact it’s hard to find any meat in the UK now that is not Halal.

Hamza Khaleeq Elsingham, the UK’s Minister of Food, reveals that eating Islamic food is good for you: “You will feel closer to Allah every day. Don’t forget to eat up your greens also, of course you can still have your mushy peas and gravy.”

Some English citizens are however having second thoughts about the Halal meat, Beresford Smith, an accountant from Cricklewood, who is a devout Christian, told the Daily Mail: “I ate my cottage pie last night for dinner. In the morning, I noticed a large bushy beard had grown on my chin. I then had this irresistible urge to kneel on my carpet and pray to Allah. By 11am I was at Tesco’s looking for four more wives, my current wife Deirdre was not too happy about it, she’s a vegan.”