Katie Price to Marry Skull Cracker

The model, who thankfully cannot speak because the botox around her face has solidified, will announce her new marriage in a new tell-all book, one of many written by a team of chav-lit ghost writers.

Ms Price was seen entering Helmsford open jail last night to meet her latest husband but unfortunately emerged after only fifteen minutes with a black eye, fat lip and bruised silicon balloons.

“He’s the only man in Britain left that will ‘ave ‘er. She’s already ‘ad every chav from ‘ere to Scotland. She’s gettin’ on a bit, spittin’ out sprogs left right and centre from different chumps, yesterday she spit another one out on the kitchen floor. She said she didn’t even notice it, I had to clean up the mess, nah we got another one to look after, she’s never around anyway, too busy gettin’ stuffed,” Katie Price’s housekeeper told Ok magazine.

Meanwhile in Harley Street, police are searching for Dr. Alan Kutz, Price’s gynaecologist, who has since disappeared. He was last seen at a 2pm appointment with Ms. Price and no one knows his whereabouts.