Voodoo Priest Brought In to Fix Obamacare Website

Forget about Java or PHP, the new Obamacare website fixer is using chickens and a special powder that is guaranteed to make the website run correctly.

“President Obama uses this guy a lot. Like he used him for the stock market, and the two election wins. We got a plastic sheet in the oval office spread out so the blood don’t stain the carpet. Obama is at a loss on how this damn website is gonna get fixed. We tried the Google tech boys but they’re too busy on those barges eating profiteroles in the hospitality lounges or sitting on fancy coloured weird shaped sofas to care about Obamacare,” White House spokesman, Harvey Jenkem, told ABC news.

Millions of Americans have been trying to log onto the site to get some much needed Obamacare for over two months, and hopefully the voodoo priest will call on the spirits to open the doors soon.

“Shit, it’s gonna take more than magic to get me some health care. All the doctors in my area have left the profession or retired. I now have to travel 500 miles to get some f*ckin’ treatment at an increased cost of over 300%,” a disgruntled retired fire man told local CBS news stations in Delaware.

Thousands of Obama zombies across the nation, on hearing about the wonderful Obamacare news, started chanting Obama’s name and walking the streets with their hands outstretched, nothing new about that of course.