Product Review: Montecito Riviera Toilet Paper

We love to review new products on the market, and this week we received a much anticipated product from Montecito, California. The special product line, toilet paper, is a new toilet paper choice from the Montecito Riviera luxury brand. We enrolled our office boy, Tommy Poppers to review the quadruple ply cushioned sustainably sourced Amazon rainforest toilet paper. Below is his review:

“Last night, went out with the lads for a vindaloo and beers, so when I was called up for this review I literally shat my y-fronts with anticipation. During our curry sesh, I downed twelve pints of watered down piss water beer, and had six shots of tequila. On the way to the car, I thought it would be a good idea to have a kebab. After a brief brawl with a few chavs in the kebab shop, I ordered an extra large doner drizzled with chilli sauce and garlic sauce to take away the taste of the old meat, along with some chips and a saveloy. I also downed six cans of Kestrel super strength from the local Londis, and added to the mix, a bottle of Diamond White chased down with a small bottle of cheap vodka that had no brand name on it.

“Whilst driving home, I felt a rumbling in me stomach, and a sudden sharp pain ominously emanating from my arsehole. That’s when I knew I needed to get home to do a big shit sharpish. The police chased me for a few miles then gave up, as I parked my car in my neighbour’s front garden after the 90 MPH chase. Dashing out of the car door holding my sphincter in, holding on for dear life, I had to navigate somehow through the front door. Not being able to find my keys, I broke the window and entered into the kitchen. It’s possible there was some seepage, as the gurgling and popping noises were getting louder and louder by the second.

“My bog’s on the third floor, so going up the stairs was quite an ordeal and at one point I nearly let go, but clenched me teeth with such ferocity I think I lost a tooth.

“Just the thought of sitting on the toilet seat played on my mind and I again nearly shat everything out on the last few stairs, but thankfully prevailed. The last few steps seemed like an eternity, as I opened the bathroom door, undoing my trousers to plonk my gurgling arse on the seat and sigh with delight as half the world seemed to fall out of my intestinal tract at explosive speeds probably exceeding 70 MPH.

“As my plumbing system violently ejected copious amounts of stuff I cannot even describe, my body shuddered with absolute relief. That’s when I glanced over at the Montecito Riviera quadruple ply cushioned luxury eco sourced toilet paper and I knew I was in good hands.

“Ring of fire? This was a fucking lava flow of fire, and I could not actually feel anything any more apart from a searing burning sensation akin to having Vix vaporub slapped on bubbling haemorrhoids in copious amounts. Would the Montecito Riviera toilet paper ease the situation? It was time to try it, as the toilet bowl was nearly full, and the disconcerting intestinal movement seemed to have stopped for the moment.

“I have to say, the luxurious toilet paper was a delight to use. I had to use four rolls of it, though, but that’s another story in itself. The paper did not chafe, and was very soft, especially as I think my anus was wrecked. I can highly recommend quadruple ply cushioned sustainably sourced from the Amazon rainforest Montecito Riviera toilet paper, particularly after a night like I had, even though the cost may be prohibitive to many. Coming in at £25/roll, it is rather expensive, but worth it in my humble opinion.”

Overall Score: 4.3/5

Buy four rolls of Montecito Riviera toilet paper, and receive 20% off a jar of Luxury Montecito Riviera Raspberry Jam (RRP £64).