5 Great Things About Being an Alcoholic

Some people say being a full-blown alcoholic may be a bad thing, but those people are assholes. Here are 5 reasons why being an alcoholic is a great thing and everyone should be a fucking drunk bastard.

1. Who cares?

When you’re an alcoholic, you certainly don’t care. As long as you have a drink in your hand, nothing in the world matters, and the only thing that may matter is if some idiot tries to take the drink from your hand. This is a great way of getting through the day, because you can make it through pretty much any diabolic event.

2. You can say what you want

When you’re whacked out on booze, it is okay to say whatever the hell you want, to whoever you want and pretty much get away with it because you’re drunk.

3. You can sleep with whoever you want

Being drunk is great for sleeping with people you may have not slept with when you were sober, or if you hit the jackpot, someone you actually wanted to sleep with but did not have the courage to make a move on when you were sober. There has to be some level of caution though, especially if farm animals are involved.

4. You can fight even the biggest, baddest person

When you’re an alcoholic, even the tallest, meanest son of a bitch is open season. The only drawback is when they break your jaw, and kick you in the gonads. Be prepared for a hospital stay for a while, but don’t forget to sneak in plenty of booze.

5. You can get a brand-new liver

If you drink enough alcohol over time, you may get sclerosis of the liver and your skin will turn yellow. Don’t worry, all you need is a liver transplant, and you can start up as new, that is until you go through that liver and need another transplant. Some people go through livers like they go through cigarette lighters. The key thing is to stay positive and keep on drinking.

6. BONUS – You can sleep anywhere

The good thing about being a permanently drunk alcoholic is that you can sleep just about anywhere. When we mention ‘sleep’, well, it should be actually called ‘passing out’. The gutter, a busy motorway, a urinal, someone’s front garden, wherever it is you lay your sodden head is of no concern.