Exclusive: Harry and Meghan Reveal Where They Will Move Next

Harry and Meghan, the wayward drifters and grifters who have fooled simple Americans into thinking they are somehow important, even fooling Spotify executives to hand over $19 million, are said to be unhappy in their 16 bathroom Montecito faux palace (McMansion).

Ovid Scoobie, the couple’s spokesperson, has revealed on his blog that the duo are house hunting in a place that not many have considered.

“I can happily announce that my beloved dear couple, Harry and Meghan will be moving to Iraq in the Fall. They have already secured a 20 bathroom place directly in the Sunni Triangle, in Baghdad. On a recent trip to the area, the couple immediately fell in love with the place, and it even has a large torture chamber in the basement. You know, if they catch a paparazzo, or maybe they can use it to torture contracts out of Netflix executives.”

On further inspection, reporters for the Sun revealed that the building was formerly a secret palace for Uday Hussein, one of Saddam’s evil sons, before he was killed in a shoot-out.

“There is faux gold furniture everywhere, and when Meghan saw that she squealed in abject delight, because as a fake personality herself, she adores fake things. The bullet holes in the walls can easily be plastered over and the deceased individuals in the torture chamber will be dumped in the street where the stray dogs will clean everything up,” Scoobie added.

Harry and Meghan of course want the best for their kids and when they saw the Sunni Triangle they immediately fell in love with the place. There are plenty of opportunities for kids to play and be educated in the local religious schools. What used to be called IED Alley by the U.S. troops is now a pleasant dusty road with gutted out Hummers and downed Blackhawk choppers. This is where all the Iraqi children play now, and sometimes they dig up a treasure trove of articles left behind by the Americans. Only last week, a group of children uncovered an M60 machine gun and cache of grenades. It was fireworks time for those kids.

The Sunni Triangle zone has plenty of amenities and opportunities for family fun. Every May, is the starting of shooting season, where indiscriminate sectarian mass shootings occur. In this free-for-all, many are severely or fatally injured, but it’s all part of the fun of the area. Since the Americans left Iraq, the level of anarchy has increased by over 80% and kidnappings are a daily activity many criminal gangs and jihadists subscribe to.

It’s a long way from Montecito or Windsor, but it will do for now.