New Charlie Sheen Sitcom 'One and Three Quarters Man' Airs

“This one’s going to be it. The big kahuna, the toasted tuna, the..er..chatanooga,” Sheen said at a recent news conference in his jacuzzi at his Beverly Hills mansion.

The star was interviewed for CBS’ The Early Show on Wednesday and described the format for the new show.

“The character I play is on one drug only — me. Okay, I lied, he does coke, crack, meth and shitloads of booze, but that’s neither here nor there. Is that a blue balloon popping over at the tipatoe mansion? Blake’s got redness. I said get ’em out honey, yeah both of them,” Charlie then gestures at one of the assembled actresses, who goes under the water to perform fellatio upon his shrivelled member.

The CBS crew are allowed to walk around the Beverly Hills mansion to see for themselves how Sheen has recovered after his much publicised meltdown a week ago.

“Over here is the garden. Dambusters on the vine, squeak, and a lot of shebas. And over in that corner, is my pet olive, I try and feed her every morning but she stays on the tree, kinda looking sad. Do you ever remember when you were a kid, how you used to smell things and how it triggers those memories as an adult now? The guest house is at the end of the yard and we like to cook bagels there in the evenings. Did I tell you earthworms about the time when I dropped three to four seven-gram rocks and had to move past the quarter line with an apple digger? Yeah, it was awesome. Time to memorize! I’m bitchin’ and I got all the info about everything and everyone in the world, all at the same time, or was that last Tuesday. I’m winning, we’re winning and losing at the same time on many different levels of 911, September, when the planes crashed into the WTC. I was cooking hard boiled eggs, big ones, small ones and square ones,” Charlie Sheen tells the reporters at the top of his voice, before passing out on the lawn face down, twitching uncontrollably.

The first series of ‘One and Three Quarters Man’ will air next Wednesday night on the DBO Public Access Network.