Entertainment

Bonnie Tyler to be Resurrected From the Dead For Total Eclipse

FLORIDA - USA - Eighties pop starlet, Bonnie Tyler, who can literally make paint peel with her voice, has been recruited to sing on a Caribbean cruise ship for the total eclipse which will take place on August 21.

Raised from the vaults of guilty pleasure listening enthusiasts around the world, the zombified toe curling voice of Bonnie Tyler is to address the celestial skies.

“She’s not only been dug up from a long stasis since 1983, but many of the walking dead who inhabit the ship’s decks will also awaken momentarily when she sings to the moon on the 21st,” the ship’s captain, Roger Stuping told the Florida Times.

Indeed, amongst the rotting corpses of fat rich Americans and terminally greyed zombies who make up the ship’s clientele, the sound of a warbling Bonnie, screaming away may even give some of them a mortal zing in their pacemakers.

“Last time I saw Bonnie Tyler, was in 1983, I was watching MTV when she came on the screen. I’ve never seen a cat curl up and die in front of me before,” one music fan revealed.

Astronomers however are fearful that Bonnie Tyler’s singing could cause grave events up in the heavens.

Professor Donald Eastwick, a renowned astronomer, revealed that Tyler could cause a “rift in the time continuum plasma shift index with her high frequency sine waves causing the moon to shift its gravitational matrix field and shoot into space like a wayward billiard ball”.

ADVERTISE ON THE DAILY SQUIB

Email advertising (at) dailysquib.co.uk for all your advertising needs.
  • SUPPORT THE DAILY SQUIB
  • We fight for freedom, justice, satire, and coffee.
  • Reader support keeps the caffeine flowing.
  • Disqus Comments Loading...
    Share
    Published by
    Tags: celebrityus

    Recent Posts

    Nvidia’s Huang Put His Wang in a Huang

    SILICON VALLEY - USA - Nvidia shares have fallen sharply after the CEO Jensen Huang…

    2 mins ago

    Labour Mourns Downfall of Leftist Celebrity Hero Russell Brand

    MANCHESTER - England - The far-left and Labour Party are today mourning the downfall of…

    3 days ago

    Convicted Rapist Russell Brand to go to Prison

    LONDON - England - Former celebrity Russell Brand has been convicted of rape.

    4 days ago

    US Midterms: Lame Duck Trump Just Got Ducked in the …

    WASHINGTON - D.C. - There's blood on the cities of America after a midterm election…

    5 days ago

    Why Mission Uncrossable Became a Crash Phenomenon

    LONDON - England - When it comes to crash-style gaming, Mission Uncrossable is making huge…

    6 days ago

    London 2026 – The City of Shit

    LONDON - England - The capital city of Britain was once a great city but…

    1 week ago

    This website uses cookies.