Simon Cowell Needs 'Raw Sewage Injections' to Keep on Top of Workload

“It’s hard work being a malignant tumour on the face of the entertainment industry. Sometimes I run out of the sh*t flowing through my body. You may find that incomprehensible, but I need a daily injection of raw faeces into my veins so I can carry on polluting the world’s media and exploiting talentless nobodies for huge profit. My evil plan is to saturate the global media with so much banal talentless sh*t that human evolution will be reversed permanently, I think it’s worked, don’t you? The talentless c*nts who are judging these monstrous exploitative shows ensure that there will not be any talent in the globe for the next 40 years. Thanks to my evil plan, I have singlehandedly ruined the global entertainment media with my malevolent rancorous excreta,” Mr Cowell said from his Bahamas mansion.

Indeed, Mr Cowell’s assault on all forms of musical talent and creativity has reduced the entertainment world to the level of a morose banal karaoke autotune addicted shit-festival toilet where moronic putrefying idiots are hoodwinked into thinking they are ‘talented’.

Mr Cowell said from his sun lounge: “I have a doctor who comes over once a day, they give you these pure sewage injections — but they’re like six inches long and it takes about 30 minutes and it is ecstasy!